Alan died on Saturday 18 December 2021.
We had breakfast in the kitchen. He had toast and marmalade. I had cereal. We spoke about shopping and whether Michael was coming over before Christmas. Alan said he needed to check the outside light because it had started cutting out again.
There was nothing in the conversation that I later recognised as a warning.
I went into the spare room to answer an email from Millbrook. Alan stayed in the kitchen. A few minutes later, I heard a heavy fall.
He was on the floor beside the table. I called his name and touched his shoulder. He did not answer. His breathing was wrong. It was not regular breathing. There were gaps and then a sound I had not heard before.
I rang 999 and put the phone on speaker because the call handler told me to. She asked whether he was awake and whether he was breathing normally. I said no to both.
She told me to start chest compressions.
Alan was already flat on his back. I knelt beside him and put my hands where she told me. She counted with me at first. I pressed down and kept pressing. I had done first-aid courses through school, but the practice equipment had not prepared me for Alan on the kitchen floor.
The call handler kept speaking. She asked whether the front door was unlocked. I said it was not. She told me to keep the phone near me and unlock it if I could do so without leaving him for long.
I stopped, unlocked the door and returned. I do not know how many seconds that took. At the time it felt longer than it can have been.
I started again.
The first ambulance crew came through the front door without knocking. One of them moved me back and took over the compressions. Another cut Alan’s shirt and attached pads to his chest. More people arrived. They moved the table and chairs because they needed room.
I stood in the hallway and answered questions.
His full name.
His date of birth.
What medication he took.
Whether he had complained of chest pain.
Whether he had been unwell.
I said he took tablets for cholesterol. I said he had not complained of pain. I said he had been himself at breakfast.
One of the crew asked me to bring the medication boxes. I brought them from the cupboard and read the labels because I did not trust myself to remember the names.
They used the defibrillator. I heard instructions from the machine and the crew. I could not see much from the hallway, but I knew when they were working and when everybody had to move back.
A paramedic asked whether there was anyone I could call.
I rang Claire first. I said, ‘Dad’s collapsed. The ambulance is here.’
She asked whether he was conscious.
‘No.’
She said she was coming.
I rang Michael and gave him the same sentence. He asked what had happened. I told him I did not know.
The crew continued for some time. I cannot give an exact number of minutes.
A senior paramedic came into the hallway and spoke to me. He said they had not been able to restart Alan’s heart. He said they had done everything they could.
I asked whether they could try again.
He said they had continued beyond the point where another attempt would change the outcome.
I understood the words. I asked the question again.
Claire arrived before the crews left. Michael came soon afterwards. Claire went into the kitchen. Michael stayed with me in the hallway until I told him he could go in as well.
The paramedics explained what would happen next. Because the death was sudden and unexpected, there would be formal questions and further contact. They gave me a written sheet with a number to ring if I needed support. One of them asked whether I had someone staying with me.
Claire said she would stay.
After the crews had gone, there were still people to speak to and decisions that could not be made that morning. I answered the same questions more than once. Alan’s full name. His date of birth. His medication. The time I had heard him fall.
Claire found my phone charger because the battery was low. She rang Simon and arranged the children. Michael rang Leanne. They made plans around me without asking for every answer, which was useful because I did not have many.
Later, Claire asked where Alan kept the household insurance details. I said he had a folder in the cabinet and then remembered there were three folders.
We opened all three and found the policy in the second.